Jesus

I posted this today as a status, and I'm going to post it here.

I've always been the kind of person that get's down because "nobody needs me." This has always depressed me, but guess what? NEWSFLASH!!! No one EVER needs us. NO ONE. But Someone WANTS me. He pursues my heart, even when I turn away from him, especially when I turn away from Him. Jesus Christ, died a sinner's death, on a wooden cross, to show ME love! He died to show YOU love too! He's still alive today and He wants you so badly. All you have to do is run to Him and confess that you are broken without Him and need Him. But know this, He doesn't need you. But He WANTS you.

darkness dies
as light emerges in the skies
tear stained eyes
look upon forever's lies
dreamers hide
live in their mind
walk across the other side
of never ending enemy lines

kr'11

six things

It's been a long time since an update. And I have a lot to talk about. A lot to work through. A lot to try to bring myself to understand.

first thing:
I have this cousin who is only 9 months old. And I swear he is the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen in my life. He doesn't cry. He only fusses when he is hungry. Any other time he is making noises or grinning or laughing. He is just splendid.

second thing:
I miss marching terribly... there's nothing like it.. nothing in the world like it. I was very good at it. I was very good at playing mello too..  There's an empty spot in my heart that marching used to occupy. Setting foot on a field, and doing a nine minute show, while doing 6 to 5's and playing with a full sound, toes up, foot roll, stab, change direction...  I miss going to bed and still being able to hear the dink dink dink dink dink dink dink dink... of the metronome... The cool metal in my hands... Seriously considering working my shoulder hardcore this summer and throughout next year so I could march Corp for just one year. I could do it.. I'd be good enough.

third thing:
College is weird. It's really weird. I didn't do my best my first semester...and I kinda hate myself for that a little bit. I'm better than a C in english. I gotta put it in high gear this semester so I can go into Lindenwood with a grip on all of this. Because honestly..It feels like I'm slipping a little bit.

fourth thing:
God. I'm bitter. And I'm scared. And I'm still hung up on one thing. For once it's not a person that I'm hung up on. But it's something I need to work through.

fifth thing:
Food. Food and I don't get along. We battle. And I'm pleased to say that for the past week I have completely been winning that battle. Yesterday was the first time in over a week that I got one bite into something and had to tell myself to keep going at it. Eating makes me so tired sometimes. But I'm working at it.

sixth thing:
I had a great time with my family at Christmas...But my family is hurting more than ever right now. I'll tell you about Matt next time I post, because all this talking is exhausting me right now. Just..if you read this please pray for him? He's battling a giant demon in the form of a bottle...

So, I know I'm crazy because I don't like Christmas music...
But I do LOVEEEE Christmas movies! Liiiike The Santa Claus! I can't wait until that is on tv!!!

I thought I'd take the time to talk about some of  the stuff I really like... I don't know why, I just want to. So here it is:

The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
The Nightmare Before Christmas.
The Holiday
The Last Song
Titanic

I like to drink coffee. I may as well have an IV feeding it into my blood stream.
I like sunsets. But I think sunrises are good too. Staying up late with someone...and being able to watch the sunrise with them..that's pretty awesome.

I like to look at the snow from someplace warm. I like to sing even though I know I'm horrible at it. I also like to dance.
I like Mayday Parade and the fact that they have a singing drummer.
I like to play the drums...I can do it for hours at a time and be perfectly satisfied.

New Life

I just have to share this. I woke up into a brand new life this morning. A new realization came last night and I can't wait to do everything I need to in order to keep hold of this. But for the first time in my life...in fully aware that I am going to be okay. I will. Here is what I found myself putting on paper at the gathering last night;

My heart is broken and torn, but for the first time in forever I know I'm safe. God has me...right here, right now. My heart is in the hands of God and for the first time ever I KNOW it's going to be perfectly okay.

If you know me at all, you know that is not a typical entry for me. Far from it. But I think I finally understand somethings. And it feels good. It feel right. This is what was intended.

flashbacks

     There are a few places that when I visit them, I am flooded with memories of my past. That old church where I used to take karate classes is one of them. I sat in there tonight, and it smelled just like it did the first time I set foot inside the doors when I was 14. I sat down, and on that screen that I imagine is inside my head, the memories of who I was and what I'd done in that church started to play without ceasing.

Things are so different now... Kassaundra has a baby. Neither of us do martial arts anymore.

I started deep cleaning my room today too...I found old letters, old journals. And it was like a walk through my past. Like I jumped into a time machine, and watched out the window as every place I'd been, every person I'd had a relationship of some sort with, whirred past. I'm still reflecting. I'm still processing. I'm remembering so much more than I want to remember...

Isn't that always the case though? My mind tends to think about whatever it wants to... It likes to remember things that I'd rather let fade into the depths of my mind where I'll never see it again. That'd be too nice, so it doesn't happen.